On My Own

A Personal Journal
by Davood Denavi

Something you never lived through


There is so much I want to say on this Mother’s Day, my first without you, that I do not even know where to start. So here goes nothing…

When Frieda called me on the evening of October 27th I knew before I even picked up why she was calling. In my gut I just knew that you had left us and joined the likes of Kleo, Dad, Bubbie, and Zadie watching from above. These last six and a half months have been nothing short of rough. I’ve had many sleepless nights thinking about the time we had together both happy memories and not so happy ones. I wish I could have brought myself to apologize to you for the not so happy memories that could have been avoided due to my actions back in October when I saw you for the last time. There is no going back and changing that now and I realize that. However, in writing this I hope to move on from those not so happy memories. Only time will tell if I am able to.

Mom, tomorrow will be the sixtieth day of a stay-at-home order that was issued back in March for the entire state of Illinois as we deal with the global COVID-19 (a.k.a. Coronavirus) pandemic. Having worked from my apartment for the last three years the only real difference this has made in my life is it has forced me into having a ton more time to reflect on things both past and present. These reflections have also led to me taking part in a 30 day better-life challenge and making some life changing decisions that will lead to bigger better things for me once the pandemic passes and businesses reopen. As the shutdown started I was wrapping up a contract teaching job teaching Computer Science to high school juniors at a private school here in Chicago. This is significant because I had accepted a full-time administrative position at the school after showing how reliable I was in a part time role for three months and was due to start the first Monday of the stay-at-home order. Obviously, I have not started the position yet but I am still being considered for it when the school does reopen but this is evidence of what you always told me even the last six years, “Get your foot in the door somewhere and they won’t be able to deny you a full-time position.”

Moving on, one of the last things you said to me when I was visiting you back in October was, “You will meet your wife before the end of the year.” At the time my response was, “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.” This was mostly because I was not really in the dating scene looking for anything too serious. Shortly after you passed on this changed due to advice from some of my closest friends and I may have met my future wife on December 23rd. Maybe just maybe. Only time will tell but I know one thing for sure and that is I found a lady who I really like and is the most understanding lady I have dated in many years.

I will leave it there until your birthday. Miss you a ton and love you even more!

-Your baby boy