On My Own

A Personal Journal
by Davood Denavi

Part 2: Urgency & Complacency

This is the second post of six in a series called Life Without Dad that will be made throughout 2012 about my life without my father. The first post, Life Goes On, was posted back on January 25th. The last four parts will be posted on September 4th, Thanksgiving, December 28th, and New Years. The loss of a parent is never easy, the loss of the parent who you didn’t necessarily get along with but were always able to talk to is even harder. Thank you to all of my family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances for your support during this, the, first year of the rest of my life.

 

Six months ago I was one week away from reality. My father, originally expected to be home within 10 days of his surgery was still in the hospital. It was day 9 and he was just getting ready to go into a regular room after having been in intensive care since coming out of surgery. His doctors were hopeful he would be home before Christmas. I, on the other had, was not so sure. Every time I went to visit him while he was in the hospital he was looking more and more frail. I did not know what to say or do. I did not know how to react. Was there anything more the doctors could have done had I spoken up and voiced my opinion? Maybe, but there is no going back now. Whats done is done. I will never forget the night after I saw him for the last time when my mom came home from the hospital and her and I had dinner together after I got home from work when, after dinner, as she was getting ready to go upstairs she came and stood next to me putting her arm around me and said, “Dad told me to tell you he loves you.” It was at that point I knew something was majorly wrong. I could not sleep that night tossing and turning worrying about my father. Would he make it until morning when I could go with my mom to visit him? Would I get to see him at least one more time? As it turned out, no I would not.

It is Fathers Day, I just finished watching the Cubs lose (what else is new) to the Boston Red Sox. This is something that I would have been doing in the company of my father in years past. This year I did it in the company of my computer updating the software used to run all of the websites I build, the software my very one site is built on, WordPress. This is a tedious process, especially since I have to do it on each site individually, while it does not actually take too long to update the software… just a few seconds, it is testing to make sure the update did not break anything on the site that takes a long time.

While I was sitting and updating one of my customers sites with the latest version of WordPress I could not help but sit there and think about how things might be different if you were still here dad. Aside from the obvious fact that I would not have been working tonight and I would have been spending time with you.

For those who know me well enough, you know that my brother and I got into a big fight back in February over my sense of urgency, or lack there of. Dad, had you been there, I am confident this never would have happened. Dad, I am also confident that (even if you had been there when it happend)  you would not have been happy with the way Masood and I handled the situation in the weeks between our fight and Mothers Day when we went to Minnesota to visit Angie, Lily, and Masood. Unfortunately, Frieda, without even trying, is now beginning to take sides with Masood. I know that both of them and Mom care about me more than anyone I know but I am sick of Masood (and now Frieda) ganging up on me for doing, and not doing certain things. You always understood that I am who I am and found the right time to talk to me. I just wish they would start to realize I am who I am and leave me alone until the time is right.

I have issues with complacency because it has been a struggle for me in the last 3 or so years to get through school and while I am not happy that I have struggled my way through, its in the past and the only thing I can do now is move forward and do my best moving forward to not continue to struggle and not make the same mistakes.

Dad, I almost never read my horoscope, but a few weeks ago I decided to take a look and see what it said, on that particular day it read:

Stop repeating your mistakes. Address problems quickly so you can move on. Don’t let anyone down, including you, and start by better organizing your time. Love is apparent.

Ever since seeing that I do not let myself dwell on the problems at hand. I face them. More importantly, I have started to better organize my time and have been able to get more work done as a result. I am still no where near where you would want me to be or even where I want myself to be.. but I am getting better.

Dad, you were the only one in this family who truly understood me; Even though I never showed, through my actions, while you were alive that I was grateful to you for everything you did for me, I am going to show it, through my actions, moving forward. Dad, I know deep down that even though you can no longer convey cryptic messages to me such as that night in early November after my interview in Crystal Lake, when in passing you said, “Einstein was a slow starter too”, that you are still watching over my left shoulder wishing you could; I have every bit of confidence that when I see you in the afterlife you will be able to praise me for taking care of mom, Masood, and Frieda the in same way you took care of us for the last 34 years. Dad, thank you for being the role model you were and teaching me to never give up.

RIP Dad. September 4, 1944 – December 28, 2011.